CHAPTER XVII.

HER PENANCE; HER PATIENCE.

"For Thy sake we are put to death all the day long." — Rom. vlli, 36.

With her exalted idea of the goodness of God, and by the natural advance in grace, our Sister's heart could not but attain a sovereign hatred of the least faults by which she might displease Him. And consequently her sighs when accusing herself of them, while unconsciously exaggerating them, and the bitterness of her weeping, touched and confused those who had the privilege of hearing her confessions. As it should be with us all, to offend God was for her the greatest evil, the only evil. But as regards this interior part and foundation of her penance, we will speak in the chapter on her love of God. We will here treat only of her corporal austerities; this is the exterior penance, the blossom and fruit of the seed in the heart, and a relief to the longings of the soul, which thus manifest themselves, allowing, so to speak, the too intense craving for crucifixion to relieve itself. In proportion to this salutary hatred of weak flesh, is enkindled the great fire of divine love. "Give God thy blood and thou wilt become spiritual," said the ancient Fathers of the Thebaide.

Every day this wise virgin immolated her virginal body. Rather we should say her life was one continual exercise of mortification, patience, and penance. The Order of Discalced Carmelites is one of the most austere in holy Church. It would certainly be leading a mortified life to observe there all the rules exactly. However, in comparison with the penances of supererogation practiced by Sister Teresa Margaret, ever famished for suffering, the austerity of the Reform of Carmel seemed almost insignificant. From her childhood this angel began to practice mortification by denying herself dainty dishes. At Saint Apollonia she used the discipline and other instruments of penance. But as she advanced in age, above all after entering the convent, she showed the greatest zeal in seeking to mortify herself at all times. The necessities of life were for her a real cross. Through resignation to the divine will and obedience she submitted to them, but not without in some way torturing her body in atonement for sin. She always left the table without being satisfied. When greatly heated and excessively fatigued she would never take, except at meals, a drop of water, without being obliged to do so by obedience. And then she would take tepid water; only enough to satisfy for the obedience, but not fully to quench her thirst. Frequently she fasted on bread and water. She asked the permission with such mingled simplicity and tact that it was impossible to refuse her. And this nourishment which she must take in order not to die of hunger, she not only made unsavory by pouring cold water on it, but also made it bitter by powdering it with cinders and pulverized absinthe.

The clothing at Carmel is no small part of the austerity of the Rule. In winter the cold freely enters through the poor, badly fitting tunic; in summer the weight of' the habit, made all of wool, causes continual suffering. The "alpargates," or sandals, made of rough cords of hemp, are equally painful to wear, especially in the beginning. The Venerable Sister joyfully, but not without suffering, became accustomed to wear all these parts of our holy habit. The alpargates, above all, caused her great suffering; her feet, accustomed to a fine, soft covering, became inflamed, swollen, and chafed. Her suffering was the more intense as her occupations obliged her to be continually moving about. Not satisfied with such suffering, she conceived the idea of placing cherry seeds under the soles of her feet, so that she could not take one step without pain. This penance she practiced above all on recreation days, when all, the community were allowed to walk in the garden. If the gravel entered her sandals, she never removed it, and it often remained for a long time fastened, as if it would remain permanently in the damp sole. When heated she was tormented with profuse perspiration which she never wiped away. If her attention was called to it, instead of the linen handkerchief allowed by custom she would make use of one of wool, thus increasing rather than relieving the trouble. Flies, mosquitoes, and other insects so annoying in summer, she never drove away; to kill them, or even drive them away, seemed to her an irreverence to their Creator; and it was a joy to her to further the designs of the Author of nature by allowing these little creatures to rest on her and satisfy themselves feasting on her blood. The window of her cell was closed in summer and wide open in winter. In one word, we found her ingenious, even to cruelty, "in tormenting her innocent body, a pure victim for the sins of men and destined for a perfect holocaust. During the very cold weather her chilblains and chapped hands excited pity. Refusing any remedy, she made them still more painful, rubbing them with her woolen handkerchief and pouring burning wax on them. What would cause one to shudder is to think that in the evening she would say her prayers kneeling on her poor, tortured fingers. The blood would sometimes flow then; several pages of her breviary show traces of it. Having determined to overcome sleep by the discomfort of her position, the dear child slept on her knees, her head resting on the stone wall of her cell. But this penance was absolutely forbidden her on account of the grave consequences that might follow. To keep herself awake at matins and wholly to overcome sleep, she fastened on her ears little instruments of notched iron, very sharp, the pressure of her headdress caused them to sink into the flesh and give her intense pain. The religious knew nothing of this little torture, hidden under the folds of head linen. Iron chains worn for entire hours, often for half a day; disciplines repeated several times a day, for a quarter of an hour or half an hour; these were for her only playing with penance; and she inflicted these torments upon herself with extreme rigor. Every day for several hours, and during special novenas, or on the eves of the most solemn feasts, she wished to wear, pressed into the flesh, a cross as long as the palm of one's hand and armed with sharp iron points. For a certain time, and under special conditions, this was permitted her, but later on absolutely refused. Whether seated, standing, or on her knees, her ingenious love caused her to find everywhere means of suffering.

All this, however, seemed to her, longing to be united to her crucified Spouse, only obeying the inspiration from heaven speaking to her heart, "not to neglect any occasion of suffering, to suffer as much as possible, always in silence, between God and herself alone." This resolution is one of the principal ones reported during the process of the cause of the servant of God by her director, who adds: "This soul, so sweet and compassionate to others, was cruel in a saintly degree to herself." Here is another resolution of the same kind revealed by this same Father Ildefonso: "Suffer and keep silence; keep silence and suffer for Jesus!" This heroic program she carried out generously, whether in health or sickness, and even amid the terrible interior sufferings through which she passed before her precious death.

This profound, heart-breaking desolation was caused by a feeling of abandonment by heaven, the apparent privation of God, which made her suffer excessively. A traveler's eyes in an open, treeless country, exposed to the blinding rays of midday tropical sun, dazzled by its splendor and overwhelmed by its fierce brilliancy — this was the condition of the soul of our Venerable Sister. Overcome by the infinitude of the Divine Beauty; by God communicating, as it were, directly with her, manifesting to her the awfulness of His sovereign greatness, caused her strength to fail her. Her sorrow of heart for man's sinfulness and for her own unworthiness increased under this unbearable light. She became a prey to a most painful aridity. Yet she must draw nearer and nearer to God in proportion to her seeming estrangement from Him. "One who loves, understands what I say." We will return to this subject later on.

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