POSTULANT

Anna Mary's first step in the religious life was such as to arouse admiration in the most fervent Sisters whose example she set herself to imitate, conforming herself with meticulous care to the rule and the ways of the monastery.

Obedience, mortification, abnegation of self, prayer and the observance of silence and recollection, charity in dealing with others; such were the first flowers that blossomed through her love for Jesus. She hardly seemed an aspirant, but an old religious, advanced in sanctity, worthy of being called an angel and a vessel of singular election.

It is customary, in all Carmels, to accord to the young postulants dispensations from certain acts common to the community, especially some of the rigorous fasts, mortifications and regular penances. This did not please our young probationer at all. She therefore implored the Mother Prioress so earnestly, that the latter finally gave in to her desires and consented to her observing the full Carmelite life in all its vigor. She still retained, however, the woolen mattress that the Superior had made her keep, judging it best at first not to deprive her of it. But she was ever seeking how she could best get rid of it, and finally the opportunity offered itself. One of the Novices was indisposed, and Anna Mary, upon learning that this Sister did not have a woolen mattress, though the Nuns had permission to use one when sick, hastened to find the Novice Mistress and obtained her permission to give her mattress to the invalid.

Meanwhile, she was also progressing in mental prayer, astounding even her spiritual leaders. Her absorption in meditation was evident to all onlookers; her face would flush, her eyes sparkled with a holy joy that she could not hide.

During this time of probation, another trial came to her as a test of her virtues. The test of suffering is the Divine seal of souls dear to God.

Towards the end of the year 1764, she was afflicted with a tumor on the knee, so painful that only a Saint could have borne it uncomplainingly. A high fever setting in, disclosed her suffering to the Sisters and she was sent to bed. The doctor, who was called in, said that an operation was necessary.

"I submit willingly to the operation," said the girl, "thus uniting myself to the sufferings of Our Lord Jesus Christ." The cross-shaped incision opened the living flesh and from it came blood and pus. The Nuns who were present shuddered, but the patient maintained her wonderful tranquility. Keeping her eyes on the Crucifix which she held in her hands, she seemed to draw strength from the sight of it. Only at the worst moment of the operation did she let a faint moan escape her, an involuntary cry of tortured nature. She had prayed for suffering and was glad to bear it. The doctor could scarcely conceal his admiration for her courage.

Anna Mary had to lie in one position; the high temperature that would not abate, and the nauseous medicines she had to take all kept her in constant pain and discomfort. Worse than her physical sufferings, however, was the awful doubt that began to assail her: would they keep her in the convent if she remained in poor health?

With God's will, she recovered, but she was very pale and wasted to a shadow.

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When she had finished the time of her probation, they informed her, as is usual, that she was to leave the convent for a while, so that during her absence the Sisters could freely discuss her, and decide whether to accept her or not. Before leaving, she had to go through the formula of asking the whole community to readmit her for her Clothing. The community assembled in the chapter room and disposed themselves in two rows along the walls. Then the Novice Mistress entered and following her, with angelic composure, came Anna Mary. She knelt, kissed the floor and said in a low tone, "Benedicite". The Prioress answered simply, "Dominus". These were the first words that sounded in the silence of that living harmony of white, brown and black. Then the girl, her face aflame with passionate entreaty, because in her humility she deeply feared to be repulsed, still on her knees, continued: "I ask grace and mercy from the community and I humbly implore it to be willing to admit me to receive the holy Habit. Although before you and before God, I recognize that I am utterly unworthy, I hope with the grace of God and the help of your prayers to do far better in the future than I have done in the past".

She again kissed the floor in symbol of her abasement, then listened attentively to the counsels of the Mother Prioress, who quickly dismissed her: "Go, my child, in hope that our Sisters will grant your desire".

With a gesture of humility, Anna Mary lifted the scapular of the Prioress to her lips and left the room in silence.

That look of angelic sweetness, the tones of her voice when asking so earnestly to be admitted, could not fail to move the dear Sisters deeply. They shed tears of tenderness and sympathy and thanked God for having sent them such a gift. At the same time they reminded one another how well they had predicted her value soon after her arrival.

In her, they said, they would acquire a real daughter of St. Theresa and one who would resemble her most.

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